MixED fEEliNGS..

OKIES…I have to study but i cant seem to concentrate..i dunno wat i wan nemore…i feel like i wanna go home..i wanna celebrate festivals wit my family…it jus hit me when jerry said, tat he cant wait for christmas n new year because that’s when the family gets together…n i cant even c any of them…u noe how hurting is that? the next ill see them is in 2010!! i jus realised tat im all alone in this country n it sucks…yea i have vicky but its nuthin like ya own family.. n jus today he said tat we shuld not think of marriage n jus lost hope…evthin seems so wrong now…i know he meant tat we were fighting too much and marriage is out of the question now..but he was d one who said tat if he could he will marry me ryte now (those days, b4 the break up)…i realised tat im not part of his life when he said that new year is for family, and he din even reply when i asked him to celebrate it wit me…was i wrong? i mean, for now my family is him ryte, but i guess its all different now..i jus shuld not let my hopes go high…he doesnt even show any emotion that im leaving soon and that we wont be able to see each other..my god, its jus one after the other…first i ahve to be far apart from my family and now him!!! i feel soooo shitty…but he jus seems so ignorant!!!

a Sad LovE StOrY..

there is a gal who was sooo in love with this guy..she is beautiful, smart and has evthin a guy wud want…she is sum1 u wanna show off to the world …her love story goes like this…

this boy n gal love each other a lot..they have been thru a lot of ups and downs to have each other in their lives. it ws a very rough road…n now they are together but they fought and the guy is treatin her so bad now tat it hurts..the hurt is ripping her into parts and she is broken…she puts up a show tat she is fine with wateva he is doing becoz she loves him so much…she doesnt know wat to do nemore…she doesnt wanna lose him cuz he means the world to her…but maybe this is pulling him away from her…the fact tat he kows she will never let him go so treatin her bad is like nuthin..

he is an awesome person wit the rest of the world but to her he is sooo cold…how can u be so mean to sum1 u love, she has no idea…cuz she has done more than any gals will do…her downside is her anger n she hates it…but the guy doesnt want to forgive her….she has never begged like this her whole life..she has never felt this shitty..she doesnt feel special anymore..she is scared and so fragile…tears always roll down her cheeks n she cant do nuthin…

all she wants is to have the ol’ him back..she has done soo much to show her feelings but to no avail..she jus wants to hug him, hear his words, kiss him till there is no tomoro and be wit him…she wants him to forgive her cuz she treats him nice and does evthin she can but he doesn’t….he always say ill treat u d same way u treatin me but now he is goin against his words…she regrets wateva she did…she regrets the words she has thrown to him but she wants him to b happy will do nethin…how much more can a gal do..which gal will go thru all this???

the End…

its over for good…i cant take this…im acting like evthin is ok in front of everyone but deep down im dying!! he said he cant live wit a person like me..i jus fight and accuse him too much…i dont la, i really love him so much..y does this has to happen to me???? wat havent i done for him? everything a wife will do, i do it for him..and im always happy doing it for him..maybe at times i get angry and want to talk things but he always think that im accusing him..but that’s not it, why would i even wanna do sumthing like tat…he made so many promises, he said he will marry me and im the best girl he can ever find and now he just left me hanging like this and i just dont wat to do? im torn between so many advices from my friends. but all i wanna do is tell him i love him and miss him so much and there won’t be life without him! but wil he understand, will he think that im cheap cuz i keep going back to him? does he want to chase him all over again? wont he ever think about the good times we have shared, all the beautiful memories, the beautiful words we have uttered to each other???

i want him back!!!!ive never loved like this before…i dunno wat to so nemore? lie sucks big time…i wanna go home and never come back to this dumb place…i hate myself!!! i have been cryin non stop n i jus wish my parents were here and i wan my sisters and brother as well….i wan evbody, i dont wanna live here!!!

SmaLL gEstuRes..

Yesterday i was not feeling well. I had to work at 6. jerry told me not to go but i insisted tat i was ok and moreover that was the most working hours i have and im not gonna let that go. so i slept and he called me to ask if he could take me to work. i said no cuz i hate it when someone starts a routine and all of a sudden if one day he oesnt come ill get all worked up. so i rather not get used to the fact of being driven around if it’s gonna be once in a blue moon. he said it was way too cold and he doesn’t want me to walk. but u see at night it will be worst but he has soccer and i have to still walk. so it doesn’t make sense. but the best part is, he had soccer at 9 and i came back from work at 845. he was online and asked eh u came back already im like yea, vitalie said he can work for me. he was like oh ok, i was waiting to pick u up and then go for soccer. i was sooo touched, i couldn’t imagine what i was hearing. i said thanks and he said i love you..

but yea then again he wanted to go to the bars at night so who knows, it was all planned hahahaha…im jus kidding, jus tryin to be a pain!! but yea it felt so good that ya bf actually cares. im scared that this is all forced by me cuz i sometimes i ask for too much. i jus think he is way too practical for me and im filled with emotions. but i have been supressing it and showing a stronger character of me but deep down im very fragile..

but thanks jerry, that gesture made my day…eventhough u din stay back and cuddle wit me ill cherish tat specific moment..

My fAvOURiTe CouSin

hmmm…its the 11th october today, and my lil cousin, Jananath’s birthday. He’s turning 3 today. This the second bday of his that im not there to spend it with him. im soo sad. called him yesterday and sang for him a song. My aunty was so suprised because from morning he did not want to talk to anyone but she was suprised he spoke to me. i felt so special. i had a wonderful time with him in Malaysia. though he can be such a apin but i love him dearly. he manages to make my day somehow or rather. his smile is awfully cute and he’ll definitely be a romeo when he grows up. he has already started checking out girls hahahha. he called me back after that and spoke to me. he was telling me about his experience with the train and how noisy it was. i told him a bought him two shirts and he should wear it while cutting the cake. he said ok machal, why u not coming here. i told him to take the aeroplane and some to see me, he said i dont want machal, i take the car and come ok. then u let me play cooking there hehehe. My aunt was like he suddenly said he want to talk to nisha machal only so i called la. oh, he loves cooking!!! we hope he doesn’t become a chef cuz he is damn smart!! it’s will be wasted hahahha…he sooo cute and im missing him dearly…hope he has a wonderful birthday filled wit love and happiness. Happy Birthday Kunju..Machal love u soooo much:-)

dinNer N mOVIeS!!

Yesterday me n jerry went to dinner and watched, my best friend’s gf in the theatre..i had so much fun. he has a hectic week ahead but he still found some time to spend it with me.. it was a beautiful night, jus me and him..i know he doesnt like it, cuz he always says that life is not a straight line, there will always be many people around us, this is reality…but sometimes u jus wanna sit down n cuddle together..u wanna feel special n loved…but maybe he is just different…he said that he doesn’t like to be always with his gf, or he is not used to it…but my past relationships, i have always been around my bfs…we do many things to gether, shopping, have at least one meal together, watch tv together, lie on the bed and talk for hours, go out wit frens together and this is what i look for in a relationship…but i know jerry tries because for him, it’s a all new experience as well to date me…i dont blame him, maybe as time goes by things will change and we will learn to adapt to each other’s way…

but so far things are OK…i hope the weekend goes smoothly as well…as long as i keep my mouth shut and not think too much, it should be fine!! i dun simply fight but i always think very hard to certain things he says and that gets him all stressed when i talk to him about it…i guess, to make things better, i have to hide my desires to always be with him..but one thing i know is, when i leave to Florida he will be the one missing me the most!!! cuz i know he thinks about our fight when its done!!

MisUNdERsTanDing

OMG…this was so lame. my sister, narmz called me up yesterday n said ‘ akka, jerry sent me a message, it was very weird. he said that he misses me n loves me so much honey’. both of us were shocked!! cuz jerry never uses the word HONEY, n knowing me my mind went wondering. so i asked him. he said the same thing. i asked him who else’s name were on the phone list and begins with N. but he was very defensive n i had this sense maybe he was cheating on me. but of course i was just bein scared. cus our fights has been sooo drastic that i thought probably he did it to piss me or something. i couldn’t sleep, im sure he could not too…so i called narmz again n asked her to verify it, she looked through and said that it was from you la, shit!!! i think i sent the message long time ago, cuz my phone cant send messages internationally.. i was so angry wit her…

thanks God i din make it a big deal, otherwise im sure we gonna start a fight. and we jus resolved a few differences yesterday!!! nonsense la she!! told him sorry profusely, i felt like shit!!! i should not even have thought that he will cheat on me!!! sorry jerry, u know i love you a lot…

I miss YoU!!

I miss the smile that brightens up my day

I miss how your hands always find me during the night

I miss the small fights we have

I miss your smell on my skin

I miss how you always seem to settle our fights

and everything seems ok again

I miss how you take that extra mile to see me smile

I am sure you have guessed it by now

I miss everything about you!!!

ChangeS…

Things have been so good. well i guess it was all my fault. but nowadays i feel like i can tell him anything. i feel more comfortable. yesterday, we were lying down and talkin, he remembered that’s its going to be one month together and i was caught by suprise because when Iris asked him the other day, he said he don’t believe in all these. well i do, though it’s not the days that count but the memories but the day we got together can mean something at times. though we have broken up like 3 times in a month but we end up running back to each other’s arms. the fights we have make us understand each other better, though sometimes he gets tired of it.

we had so much fun yesterday, just sleeping and talkin and laughing. im in love all over again. im glad that he knows me so well, my facial expression has to change a bit and he will know something’s wrong. it’s so nice to wake up in the morning, next to him, being in his arms makes me feel so secured. im so happy that this relationship is not based on physical because it will hurt me a lot. he is such an awesome person and deep down i wonder what ill do without him.

i always sit and wonder how God made the world. we are from such opposite worlds and i don’t think we ever thought that we will end in a relationship so serious like this. i don’t know what the future holds, but if God actually brought us together, there must be something in store for us. i rarely tell him how much he means to me, but he does, a whole lot. though there are so many women going after him, and its irritating but i know he loves me. and that’s all i need to know to be with him. i know there’s a lot of loving stored for me and him and i just cant wait for each day because he brings me the smiles i never imagined. i dont expect the road to be smooth but im praying that no matter what happens we will remain strong and believe in t the love we have for each other!!

InnER tHoTS

Maybe this is all wrong. I will never be able to be in a relationship. Things have been so beautiful.But i somehow manage to ruin it.He is perfect in many ways and i know i am not the right one. If he can break up now how long is he going to take to leave me the next time. I know it’s all my fault. I don’t know why i even behave like this.But one thing i know is when i lose him,I will lose an awesome son for my parents, A protective brother for my little sisters and a great companion for me. I know he hurts when i throw words at him but he just takes wit a smile. But for how long? For another few months? Then what happens after that. I am so scared, that i wont be able to handle this. Maybe having a guy in my life is just out of the question!! I know he will be happier with someone who makes him smile, who shows so much love and who can be there for him when he’s down. Sometimes i just feel like im a stone. When he says sweet things, i always think he’s doing it out of duty. Because he is just born that way, to show unconditional love and support for his loved ones. I am scared i am going to push him away and then cry my life out. I have to change my ways to be with him because no matter how hard i look ill never find a replacement. I mean who is ever going to take care of me the way he does or who is ever going to adapt to my behaviours and i will never find someone whom i love and respect so much! I didn’t know where to scream so i decided to pour my feelings here. I can never even tell him, that he means the world to me, what else these words. I am just going to pray and change the way i am, hoping he will never decide to leave me again!