December 2008

i dont wanna leave…i wanna be in ya arms…i wanna spend every sec wit you cuz wat if i dun live for long?? wat if i die n not be able to spend my lifetime wit you…im scared love…things are so beautiful…

thanks for bein there ALWAYS!!! ya like my only family here…ya my mum, when i do something stupid, your my dad when im really down n need someone to tal too, your my sisters when i just want to sit and talk about nothin at all, ya like my friends when you pull me up when i need a shoulder to cry on…you are all this and more so how do u want me to go to some unknown place and live???

i cant believe december is here…im not gonna feel complete nemore…i wont have someone to walk in my room door and give me that smile that makes my day..im wont have someone to wake up in the morning and give me a kiss, i wont have someone to be there when im sick and need some love, i wont be able to fight wit you and get you all stressed hehehhe, i wont have someone to go to the bars with, i wont have someone to tell me what’s wrong and right, i wont have someone to listen to my stories, i wont have smeone to cook and clean for,i wont have someone to pick me to work and back (i know u do it for me) i jus wont have YOU by my side…and it sux big time love!!! shit i dont wanna leave!!!! ill be LOST without you ok…the thot of not bein here wit you kills me…i never even fell like this when i left msia, i swear!!!

i pray and pray that the time will fly sooooo fast and then ill be able to be wit you, smell you, hug you and lie on ya chest till the wee hours in the morning…love im goin to miss u sooooo much….we have been thru the worst and best times in a relationship and i want this to go on and on…life without you will never be d same again…im sorry cuz i might be cryin evday im wit you especially these few days…cuz im not gonna have u beside for long!!!

remember this, i love you wit all my heart…i might be a pain but deep down i can never find someone like you…you mean d world to me n u shuld know that…i say nasty things when im angry but i never mean it cuz ya like an angel sent from above just to be with me and make my life a more heavenly place to live in!!! i thank you for every little thing you have done to make me a better person and the things you do to make me smile…i owe u my life for all this…im sure my parents know im fine because of you…i know through my dad’s talking he is proud of who i ahve met!!

i love you wit all my heart…

MixED fEEliNGS..

OKIES…I have to study but i cant seem to concentrate..i dunno wat i wan nemore…i feel like i wanna go home..i wanna celebrate festivals wit my family…it jus hit me when jerry said, tat he cant wait for christmas n new year because that’s when the family gets together…n i cant even c any of them…u noe how hurting is that? the next ill see them is in 2010!! i jus realised tat im all alone in this country n it sucks…yea i have vicky but its nuthin like ya own family.. n jus today he said tat we shuld not think of marriage n jus lost hope…evthin seems so wrong now…i know he meant tat we were fighting too much and marriage is out of the question now..but he was d one who said tat if he could he will marry me ryte now (those days, b4 the break up)…i realised tat im not part of his life when he said that new year is for family, and he din even reply when i asked him to celebrate it wit me…was i wrong? i mean, for now my family is him ryte, but i guess its all different now..i jus shuld not let my hopes go high…he doesnt even show any emotion that im leaving soon and that we wont be able to see each other..my god, its jus one after the other…first i ahve to be far apart from my family and now him!!! i feel soooo shitty…but he jus seems so ignorant!!!

the End…

its over for good…i cant take this…im acting like evthin is ok in front of everyone but deep down im dying!! he said he cant live wit a person like me..i jus fight and accuse him too much…i dont la, i really love him so much..y does this has to happen to me???? wat havent i done for him? everything a wife will do, i do it for him..and im always happy doing it for him..maybe at times i get angry and want to talk things but he always think that im accusing him..but that’s not it, why would i even wanna do sumthing like tat…he made so many promises, he said he will marry me and im the best girl he can ever find and now he just left me hanging like this and i just dont wat to do? im torn between so many advices from my friends. but all i wanna do is tell him i love him and miss him so much and there won’t be life without him! but wil he understand, will he think that im cheap cuz i keep going back to him? does he want to chase him all over again? wont he ever think about the good times we have shared, all the beautiful memories, the beautiful words we have uttered to each other???

i want him back!!!!ive never loved like this before…i dunno wat to so nemore? lie sucks big time…i wanna go home and never come back to this dumb place…i hate myself!!! i have been cryin non stop n i jus wish my parents were here and i wan my sisters and brother as well….i wan evbody, i dont wanna live here!!!

InnER tHoTS

Maybe this is all wrong. I will never be able to be in a relationship. Things have been so beautiful.But i somehow manage to ruin it.He is perfect in many ways and i know i am not the right one. If he can break up now how long is he going to take to leave me the next time. I know it’s all my fault. I don’t know why i even behave like this.But one thing i know is when i lose him,I will lose an awesome son for my parents, A protective brother for my little sisters and a great companion for me. I know he hurts when i throw words at him but he just takes wit a smile. But for how long? For another few months? Then what happens after that. I am so scared, that i wont be able to handle this. Maybe having a guy in my life is just out of the question!! I know he will be happier with someone who makes him smile, who shows so much love and who can be there for him when he’s down. Sometimes i just feel like im a stone. When he says sweet things, i always think he’s doing it out of duty. Because he is just born that way, to show unconditional love and support for his loved ones. I am scared i am going to push him away and then cry my life out. I have to change my ways to be with him because no matter how hard i look ill never find a replacement. I mean who is ever going to take care of me the way he does or who is ever going to adapt to my behaviours and i will never find someone whom i love and respect so much! I didn’t know where to scream so i decided to pour my feelings here. I can never even tell him, that he means the world to me, what else these words. I am just going to pray and change the way i am, hoping he will never decide to leave me again!

MalAYsiA

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