SadNeSs..

all i asked was to spend new year’s wit me. n he started yelling at me. i have no hope already. im so hurt and feel like crying. im not secured at all, everytime he wants to break up. i wanna go home. i have nothing left here. he just doesn’t love me anymore, he jus taking me for granted. scream!!! scream!! scream!! like i have no feelings!!! why me?? he complains that his family dun care and they dont call him asking him to come back! but i do, everytime i do. so for what i want to care and love him!! not that im happy here! he knows it so well…wats a bf when u cant cry and tell ya deepest feelings!! all he cares is himself! all i would have love to hear is, im sorry i would love to spend new year’s wit you but the circumstances dont allow me, i will have so many new year’s wit you..cant he say that??? will he die??? he just doesnt know how to handle me at all!!! he so used to screaming and yeling now that he dont realise im frightened of him!!! im not bein me!!! i dont know wat to do anymore?? wish god could talk to me…maybe this is not worth it at all..maybe this is jus a passing cloud…maybe he doesnt love me at all!!! HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

WisH u FelT THe SaME..

im sitting in this room thinkin about all the moments we have shared

wishing u felt the same way too

but deep down i know it will never be the same again

i thought, though our roads were divided

we would somehow find a way to merge it.

but its a dream that might never come true

because all you want is happiness but

you find it difficult to find it with me.

you want to live free where else i want to talk about the future

so what do we do?

where do we go?

i can’t say anything, i’m dumbfounded

cuz I’m scared of the consequences and the harsh treatment thereafter

i just wish u felt the same way like i do..

and tell me things i want to hear

especially in this long distance relationship…

we seem to have so many vast differences all of a sudden

what if it was never meant to be???

i just wish u feel the same way…

FlorIdA..

I got here on the 19th December. i had so much fun wit Jerry on the 18th..we drove down to the cities wit vitalie and son. dropped vitalie off and went to the mall of America. we ate and went to watch a movie, the day the earth stood still. it was nice, we were really tired though. we left son in the airport and went back to our room. it was such a beautiful room.wish i had more time with him. it was such a beautiful night. i didn’t want the night to end. i had tears in my eyes because i dont know when m ever gonna see him again when he left me in the airport the next morning, i just didnt want to leave. it was too soon and my heart was aching for him. but deep down i thought, im going to be in US and we can visit each other. but reality hit me when i realised that it’s never going to be the same anymore.

i will never be able to call him wheneva i feel like huggin, he is not going to be there when i really need someone there to talk too, never be able to see that smile that brightens my day. hate this distance. i have to move on because i know he is not feeling it that much. he is still in the same place with his loved ones. i am with my family but it’s a bit difficult. i don’t feel belonged here, though they are really nice and try to make me part of them. i think ill be better off in malaysia with pa and ma. it can get a bit depressing at times. i keep myself busy wit the two kids. i feel so obliged and i hate it. i rather live alone with friends where u can do whatever u want at ya own pace.

i guess my aim here is to get done with my opt and work really hard to earn the bucks to support my family and pay up my loans. this is a new phase in my life and the best part is neither my family nor my boyfriend is right beside me. if am home i know my dad will be following for interviews and driving me around. ill have ma to wake me up in the morning and wish me luck. ill have narmz and shanti to make jokes and take all my nervousness away. i miss everyone so much. i feel like a baby so dependent but this is me, i have been brought up like this.

xmas never was that important to me. it was jus another festival in msia. but this time it somehow feels different. wish i was with jerry to celebrate it with him but oh well our roads are different and he has to be in bemidji. even new years he is not goin to be wit me.but he doesnt believe that new year’s have to be celebrated. but for me, the person u spend new year with will be wit you the whole year but guess i wont be wit him. its true though he is goin to be in bemidji and im gonna be here. aiyohh i really hate bein here…i try but ill feel bad leavin here also…watever la!!! fuck it!! will jus do what is right and make my parents proud…

OnE MoRE dAy…

i DONT WANT TO GOOOOOOO!!!  i will miss him so much…he has been my backbone and im not willing to let it go…i never thought its goin to be this difficult…how love? wat m i gonna do without u? im so sorry for causin all the drama and pain in ya life…i know that if it wasnt for you we would have broken up lonng time…u have so much patience n care that has kept this r/ship going…i wanna be wit u as long as time persist…ill never let u go love…things are goin to b so different after this…no more you pampering me, no more seeing u when i feel like it, no more nites to gether, no more sitting n talking for long, no more watchin tv together, no more dinners n movies, no more kisses, no more hugs…so many things love…it hasnt  hit me yet, but i know it will when i leave for the plane…i wouldnt be able to take it…but on the brighter side m gonna b in US…n we can meet as often as we want…but wat if, we have things to do and meet 6 months once?? noooooooo…i wanna c u…ill do watever it takes for our r/ship to last…tho i wouldnt be able to hug u when ya down or give you a kiss but ill be there prayin for all d happiness in the world…ill b there in spirits when ya feeling down n lonely!! ill be holding u close to my heart where u belong…we will go through this distance and after ill never ever wanna leave ya sight!!!! we will do it no matter how much m gonna miss u but we will keep it goin cuz u mean d world to me love…shit i hate this!!!!!

December 2008

i dont wanna leave…i wanna be in ya arms…i wanna spend every sec wit you cuz wat if i dun live for long?? wat if i die n not be able to spend my lifetime wit you…im scared love…things are so beautiful…

thanks for bein there ALWAYS!!! ya like my only family here…ya my mum, when i do something stupid, your my dad when im really down n need someone to tal too, your my sisters when i just want to sit and talk about nothin at all, ya like my friends when you pull me up when i need a shoulder to cry on…you are all this and more so how do u want me to go to some unknown place and live???

i cant believe december is here…im not gonna feel complete nemore…i wont have someone to walk in my room door and give me that smile that makes my day..im wont have someone to wake up in the morning and give me a kiss, i wont have someone to be there when im sick and need some love, i wont be able to fight wit you and get you all stressed hehehhe, i wont have someone to go to the bars with, i wont have someone to tell me what’s wrong and right, i wont have someone to listen to my stories, i wont have smeone to cook and clean for,i wont have someone to pick me to work and back (i know u do it for me) i jus wont have YOU by my side…and it sux big time love!!! shit i dont wanna leave!!!! ill be LOST without you ok…the thot of not bein here wit you kills me…i never even fell like this when i left msia, i swear!!!

i pray and pray that the time will fly sooooo fast and then ill be able to be wit you, smell you, hug you and lie on ya chest till the wee hours in the morning…love im goin to miss u sooooo much….we have been thru the worst and best times in a relationship and i want this to go on and on…life without you will never be d same again…im sorry cuz i might be cryin evday im wit you especially these few days…cuz im not gonna have u beside for long!!!

remember this, i love you wit all my heart…i might be a pain but deep down i can never find someone like you…you mean d world to me n u shuld know that…i say nasty things when im angry but i never mean it cuz ya like an angel sent from above just to be with me and make my life a more heavenly place to live in!!! i thank you for every little thing you have done to make me a better person and the things you do to make me smile…i owe u my life for all this…im sure my parents know im fine because of you…i know through my dad’s talking he is proud of who i ahve met!!

i love you wit all my heart…

HappY bIRTHdAY jErrY!!

well its my due respect to wish jerry a many more happy returns of the day. we did it!! we manage to pull out an awesome suprise party for him..after all the days i have waited, the day finally came with happy faces, drunkards, sadness, anxiety, stress and every emotion u can think about..it was an awesome feeling , when u have made the man in ya life happy for his bday. i’ll never forget the smile he had…it wasn’t an easy road, but i had wonderful frens to make it happen…thanks to iris, toni, shamini, richard, vitalie, dorin, son and victor…wihout their support i woud have never pull this out..

i loved taking him out for dinner and when he made a toast, it felt so real…like i meant somethin to him…it was beautiful…he loved the food…he din know wat was comin up after tat. he thot we were goin to d bars but i told him we shuld go back to my place 1st and pick the boys up…so we walked in and was suprised with beautiful ppl singin him a bday song!! hehehhe…who will not b happy ryte…yes i wud do nethin for this guy…jus to see him smile…

no doubt he had awesome day with mixed emotions though…but he deserves it…he has done so much for ppl around him…but this helpin attitude somehow doesnt impress me much…i mean yea, its good to help ppl in need but i think there’s a limit to evthin…not go out at 3am when ya drunk to safe some frens!! dun u need to put yaself first…i dunno whether im wrong but this attitude somehow irritates me and makes me feel secondary…when he goes all out to help sum1, i jus dun get it..how much are u gonna help save the world?? does it even make sense? he said if i cant live wit tat attitude i shuld leave him…i dunno wat to do..i dont know whether we’ll ever manage to understand each other..n it hurts cuz deep down i wan to spend my lifetime wit this guy…but will it happen? will this last? i jus feel sumtimes m taken for granted…yea he was very grateful for all tat i did but he says it but he behaves differently..he behaces like he dun bother…n i hate the gals who are his frens!! no im not scared he will leave me for them but y bug him? y cant they jus find sum1 else to disturb…it’s his bday nite n i wanna spend time wit him..cant ppl understand tat?? oh ya even he never understood tat!!! wat else his frens!!!!

ohhhh…im jus tooo tired n dunno wat to do…i dun think love is enuf to pull us thru this r/ship!! there mus b a way but i hate his closeness to other women!!! its like, yea nisha is not gonna leave so i have to safe this other women cuz they NEED me!!1 its insanity…maybe the distance will make us value each other…n when we get together d nex time things shuld be fine…

wOw…

i am dissapointed!! can u beat it, my bf jus said no for comin to his house ans spending time wit him…he us made me cry…i never ask and when i do he puts me down…he can actually say ‘i wanna be alone’…which bf foesnt want to spend time with their gf??? well yea MINE!!! he comes here for like few minutes and goes off!! when i cooked for him eventho i have so much work to do…and i wanted it to be special, its the 19th and its our third month…y do u have to hurt me like this??? thru out my life i never heard any of my boyfriends say they wanna be alone without me!!! this is sooo new to me….i sooo smell sumthin fishy!!! im jus an exibition!!! and the best part is im gonna leave in a month..does it matter to him??? that he can never spend time wit me after this? i jus have no words to express wat i feel right now…

i mean evthin was fine yesterday…he was there when i was sooo down n needed a shoulder to cry on…i reali thot tat he will always be there for me…but i dun get it, how can my bf say no to me!! when he rarely spends time wit me…and im gonna leave??? this is mere insanity!!!!

PaPA…

im so sensitive when it comes to my dad..he’s birthday is on the 25th and i can’t be there…its his 70th bday and i always wanted to have a huge celebration for him!! but yea, am here and this the 2nd consequent year that i wont be in msia to celebrate it with this awesome person!!!

my dad has been my everything…isnt it weird, cuz m a gal and anyone will expect me to be close wit my mum but things are different with me…my dad has been there when my days are awful, he somehow makes me smile…he has never let me down in anyway…the best part is ryte, no matter how poor he gets, he has never let us suffer…he will be the one suffering deep down and tryin his level best to support his 3 daughters…for a man who is 70, he should be sitting down and relaxing and enjoying his life but no he works and works and works…he cant see very well but he still drives, he got all kind of sickness but he still has tat will-power to go all out jus for us!!! he never said no…

i am where i am now becuz of him…his love, devotion and advice has made me a better person…i know no matter where i go his teachings will be incised in my heart…i reali realli wanna be home and spend all the time with him…i dunno whether my decision to stay back in US will be worth leaving my papa there…

papa, i know ull never read this but i jus wanna let u noe tat u mean the world to me…if i was to be born again i wanna be ya daughter again…im so blessed to have u in my life and i dunno wat i would do without you…dont ever let me go papa…cuz with you life seems sooo perfect and i know no matter happens in my life and no matter how cruel people can be around me i will always find solace in you…jus by talking to you my whole world becomes brighter…jus by hearing ya voice evthin seems perfect,evntho u have so many problems in ya life but u still manage to hide evthin and make us happy

papa please dun leave me..i will be lost without you!!!! i love you soooo much and thanks for being a great, awesome, wonderful dad!!! i miss u papa..i can nver tell u straightforward but i do…and i know u miss me too but u just act like evthin’s ok n jus want me to be happy…

FaNtABuloUS wEekeNd:-)

hehehe i had an awesome weekend, u have no idea…yup its depavali today n im all alone in this country…but my bf made it special for me…i stayed at his place for three consequent days and im so happy..it was an awesome weekend!! i guess this wat i want, its not tat we have to cuddle and hug 24/7 but jus being in his presence makes my day…jus bein there and looking at him doin his stuffs makes me special…jus cleanin up his house and making dinner for him, makes me feel important…lying on d bed and gettin up by his side, makes me feel there’s a future to look forward too…probably this is all i wanted, maybe that’s y those days i bring up sumthin to fight about…cuz last time i always thot tat he doesn’t wan me to be around n tat he needs his space but oh well im sure he was happy as well..i know in reality this is not the perfect life, there will be days or weekends tat we cant spend it with each other, but this special weekend will be incised in my heart..im so grateful to have him in my life…ill never trade him for nethin!! oh n he actually sent me a text in the morning after sendin me home, he called me baby after 3 weeks!! n sent me a big kiss *shy*

it felt soo good on sat during vitalie’s bday party…i got the MAN!! the man ppl go crazee about, the one who gals would love to have in their life, the ones who helps every tom, dick and harry, the one that puts a smile on everybody’s faces..who would eva wanna live without him?? im thankful to God and i pray that this love story will be a never ending one…i keep my fingers crossed to watch myself walking down the  aisle to his side:-) wow wow looks who’s talking about the future hahahha…i jus feel sooo good n eventho my family is sooo far, i feel lucky that he is there to replace them!!

CraPPIN

well im supposed to read story online on this book, Burned Alive..but i jus feel like updating my blog..cuz im sure ppl will be wondering how are things wit me n my man things have been ok, well probably cuz i have been keeping my mouth shut hahaha..n we both have been bz wit school work n all..its the weekend today..we went to the bars yesterday, it was fun…i didn’t feel ryte cuz i told jerry that friday nite was his nite wit frens! but then, i gonna leave in 2 months n we were not going to the bar on sat…so he said ok lorr…

im scared, i dunno wats gonna happen when i leave..can we do this long distance relationship?? he is so practical and i dun think he will eva move wit me there..even for xmas n new year i wanted to spend it wit him but he was like, u noe we live far from each other ryte? so can u see the difference, i would do nethin to be wit him but its the other way around for him…as long we are together, distance doesn’t matter…i can take long distance but there shuld be sum form of emotions…i mean i think the love we have can survive the distance but i pray he knows that i need a lot of attetion..sumtimes im even scared to tell him i wanna stay wit him…i know im his gf but he alwiz has sumthin to do n he always say that the world doesn’t revolve around us! i know la but it makes me think that he dun like spending ti me wit me…i can be so sappy, tat i jus feel lying like wit him the whole day, go grocery shopping, cook dinner together, study, cuddle, talk till the wee hours of the morning haizzz….well for him tis is all fairytale life!!!

i wonder if we get married how is he gonna be? i mean even now he cant take me bein around for long hours, wat about marriage??? hmmm hope we will come up wit sumthin…if u ask me now, i wud love to stay in wit him but i dun think he is ready for tat kind of commitment…he needs his space, freedom and so on…yup, very different from me hahahha…but i guess these are all minor things tat people will evntually have to learn..but he sayang sayng la when he feels like it hahaha…but i still miss d old him la..when he was all over me, so much emotions running thru him now i feel he sumtimes like wall ny haizzz…but i love him la…

k k  i better stop crappin hahahha…jus so comfortable, lying on my bed, my lappie on my tummy n listening to love songs hehehe…sooo emo ryte me!! well that’s d real me but at times my ego can jus overpower all this!!! i need to get ready for d hse parte dy…ciow!!